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Tuesday, September 28, 2004  
so, i have been in santa barbara for over a month now. it has been an experience to say the least. the first month i was here was just full of partying, because i didnt have school and my work hadnt started yet. man it was fun. i hooked up with random guys like aaron and matt. matt i ended up seeing again, but i dont really like him, so that didnt work out. i went to see kelli one weekend, labor day weekend i think it was...i hooked up with her friend jason, that was kind of fun. oh and then back here i hooked up with lee but i dont know if it was a good plan, he lives across the street from me, and ellie is still hooking up with him. the best event of me being here so far has been this guy phil. i dont know when i met him, like two weeks ago probably, i think it was the tenth. he is a friend of jon's, but phil is from germany, he was visiting here for a month. at first i thought i was cool that i could speak german to him, but i wasnt that attracted to him...but his charm and cuteness grew on me. one night i was over at jons house, and phil was there, and we started talking...we talked for like two hours, and then i had to go home, and he walked me to the street and gave me a hug and then we stoof there akwardly for a minute and he said in his germna accent "what are you waiting for?" and then he kissed me! i wanted to melt right there on his shoes. after that we spent a lot more time together. like every night he would come over with jon (so he had an excuse to be here) and we would talk and he would hold me. i have to admit that at first i was a skeptical of him, how he would want to hug me in front of all my friends and things like that, but i got over that. when he kissed me with his eyes closed, i knew he was special. one night i invited him over to watch office space since he had never watched it, but since we were watching it at 2:30 and it was on my computer, it was pretty much a given that he would sleep in my bed with me, and he did, and he held me in his arms the ENTIRE night. ive never felt so wanted. his accent made me smile, his eyes amazed me, all i could think about was that line from the princess bride "with eyes like the sea after a storm" they were beautiful. we got so close so quickly. it was like we had known each other for years and years. the sex was good, but it was more than physical, he showed me that a man can care, especially about the little things. i got to do something i have always wanted to do, take a shower with a guy. we took two showers together while he was here, and they were so great. the best shower i have ever had. him running the soap over my body to make sure that every part of me was not overlooked. one night we were sitting on the couch just talking, and he said we should go to las vegas to get married so he can stay in the country with me! i was so ready to get up and go right then, but we had been drinking a little bit, so we didnt. but he was just as ready i was. he had to leave yesterday and i cried. it was so sad. we were so close...i didnt want to let go of him...i just wanted him to stay here with me, forever. we exchanged info and what not, but thinking about how he is like 6000 miles away from me hurts me so bad. while i was leaving to go to class...the last time i saw him, we were kissing as i was walking out the door, he said "will i see you again?" and i said "i know we will see each other again, this is not good bye" and he said "i love you" i couldnt say anything, i just turned and left, cause it would hurt too much to stay in that door way a second longer. today as i was cleaning my room a little i found one of his shirts, he left it here on accident, i put it on a pillow and am hugging it right now, wishing it were him...kelli says if its meant to be it will be...and so, i would like you all to know that philipp emanuel suchan is my future of our wedding is unknown at this point, but i know that i can not function with out him for very that i know he is out there, i am going to do everything and anything i can to get back to him. i love him...
2:09 PM

Tuesday, August 17, 2004  
well, its been awhile since i blogged, and maybe i should tell you about my summer. not like anyone reads this, but it will be a good reference for me later in my life. anyways, camp was good. i think for the most part it was better than last year. i think i was a more mature person/counselor. and i think i opened up and got closer to a lot more people. like kevin cole, me and him are very good friends now. i didnt go home often, mostly went to different places on the weekend, or stayed at camp. so i didnt really want to hook up with anyone because i wanted to try things out with mikey, and just wait till i was back at school with him. but i am horrible at not hooking up with people. i was actually doing really well, until fourth week. adam came to visit, and one night we made a little trip to arts and crafts, best sex of my life, but everyone found out, and i dont think he was very fond of that. anyways, the next night we all got drunk at camp and i made out with cody for a picture, and of course that got blown out of proportion. and then the next night i went to modesto and ended up hooking up with jason, which was not a good plan at all. man he does not know how to handle himself very well after hooking up with a girl, we were getting really close over the summer, but that messed it all up, but i am way over it. then the next friday night nick kam came to visit, and that was a bad plan. he fucking decides to sleep in my bed, of course we are going to hook up. stupid idiot had a girl friend too, but i didnt know. and i go home the next day and that night he hooks up with zara, the little slut. anyways, i dont really care about that, i thought it was pretty funny. oh i forgot to talk about the week off, i went to sb with megan and it was really fun, and the last night mikey came and we hung out and that was good. but i really havent talked to him too much since then, i mean its not like its weird, but we just dont talk that much anymore. he imed me tonight while i was gone and said he was coming up here this weekend, but i dont know how good that is because i am leaving for sb on sunday, we'll see what happens with that. so this whole summer erik has been ignoring kelli and i. like he wouldnt return any of our phone calls or messages and he is never online. and we couldnt figure out why, there was no reason, he just stopped talking some time in june. so we gave up on him for awhile, but sunday night we decided that monday we would wait outside of his house for him to come home from work and stalk him in a way to get something out of him. i told nic about our plan and the fucker told erik, so he calls up kelli and leaves a message saying that its "gone too far" and we shouldnt go to his house. after thinking about it for awhile, we decide to drive by his house. and theres a car in front...a girls car...and we dont recognize it. we know its his girlfriends. so we drive around the corner and park. i try to call his house and him several times but he doesnt answer. finally, all of a sudden he calls me back. we talk for awhile, but he wont see us. he says he cant...ugh, i dont even care about writing this anymore.

12:41 AM

Friday, June 11, 2004  
now and again it seems worse than it is, but mostly the view is acurate, you see your breath in the air as you climb up the stairs to the coffin you call your apartment and you sink in your chair brush the snow from your hair and dream the cold away and youre not really sure what youre doing this for but you need something to fill up the days a few more hours, theres a dream in my brain that just wont go away its been stuck there since it came a few nights ago and im standing on a bridge in the town where i lived as a kid with my mom and my brother and then the bridge disappears and im standing on air with nothing holding me and i hang like a star fucking glow in the dark for all the starving eyes to see like the ones we wished on and now im confused is this death really true and do these dreams have any meaning no no i think its more like a ghost thats been following us both, something vague that were not seeing, something more like a feeling

i miss mikey....

11:47 PM

Thursday, June 10, 2004  
So, my freshman year of college is over. it was sooo much fun, and i can't wait for school to start again and for me to be back in sunny santa barbara, cause this cloudy norcal weather is not gonna cut it. heres how the year ended. things were a little weird between me and mikey after the night i was a little too "kissy", but we eventually got over that. sunday and monday nights i hung out a lot with mikey, instead of studying, oops. monday night was the best. we watched ferris bueller two times, his and mitch's beds were pushed together to form one giant super bed, and we just goofed around all night. most of the time we were alone, and that was good for us. he talked to me about his ex girlfriend, and we just were being silly. of course we made out a lot, it was just real nice. then i had to go to bed cause i had an eight o'clock final the next day, so he came down and tucked me in, too cute. then i took my final the next morning, which went alright, then i came back and packed up the rest of my room. my dad came and we loaded up my car. i said my good byes to everyone, and then i went up to the sixth floor to say bye to mikey, but when i opened his door, no one was there, i was real sad, but when i was coming out of his room i heard this running down the hall, and it was MIKEY! he had gone down to my room but when he found out i was up on his floor he ran all the way up the stairs. he gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek, and then walked me down to the first floor, we hugged, and then i left. its funny, i thought i would cry, but i didnt. i wasnt really sad, i mean i miss mikey and my other friends a whole lot, but i dont know, i guess i am just excited about camp starting on monday. last night around 12:30 when i was about to fall asleep, jasmine called me, she was drunk, that was cute. then around 1 when i was about to fall asleep again, mikey called me, that was also cute, but he knew i was sleeping so we didnt talk long, then around 12:30 when i was about to fall asleep again, sonja called, she said something about a lot of cops, but she was drunk as well. haha. last night i hung out with kelli, like old times, la salsa, starbucks, borders and the mart. good times. we sat in her car and sang along with her bright eyes cd, we're such nerds, haha.
9:31 AM

Saturday, May 29, 2004  
basically i am the biggest retard in the world! thursday night i got really drunk, and when i drink a lot of beer, i get very touchy feely. i forget how but we made it up to mikeys room late in the night. there were a whole bunch of people there and it was a lot of fun. i found out that mikey wasnt even the one who found my phone, it was matt (also from the sixth floor) that was a surprising turn of events. anyways, i still wanted to get on mikey, and when most people had left i climbed into his bed with him. he said the next morning that i was being really "kissy" and he wasnt in a "kissy mood" whatever that means. basically i think it means i was being beligerant and making a fool of myself by being all over him and no one wants a beligerant drunk on their lips. so later, after we listened to some music, he walked me down to my room and tucked me, it was cute. but yesterday i didnt hang out with him at all. usually he will invite me up there, or show up down here, but i only saw him the few times i accidently ran into him around school. and online he wasnt interested in talking to me at all. i dont get it. last night was kind of fun though, after being bored until 11 jesse sonja and decided to go out to IV even though we were completely sober. and then jesse ended up filming me running all over places. we decided to make sort of a run lola run movie about me running through IV and stuff. it was fun. one scene sonja had me run through manzanita village, i was running and running and then in front of me i saw dave and mikey and their friends walking to IV...great, thats not at all weird. me running over to them...anyways, i have to go, kelli is coming tonight and i am super excited. hopefully it will be a good night...
10:57 AM

Wednesday, May 26, 2004  
so last night after i blogged i watched pretty in pink, i havent done that in awhile and it made me feel a little better. then sonja came home and we hung out for a little bit, and then all of a sudden my door opened and it was mikey, back from a party he went to, a little drunk. he ate some pizza and then we decided to watch a movie, we watched american beauty. he layed with me in my bed. with his arms around me. several times during the movie we just stared at each other, he held me as close as he could and we just looked into each others eyes. i REALLY wanted to kiss him, but iwas trying to be a good person, i was trying to do what he wanted me to and just be his friend. but he was treating me like i treated garret before. he kept wanting to give me back massages and i wasnt against them, but feeling his hands run up and down my back made me want him even more. finally after a long staring he started to kiss me. i kissed back of course, but i didnt know what he was doing, was it just because he was a little drunk, or was it for real? finally after a couple of minutes i said "mikey, what are you doing?" he said he didnt know and then i said "please dont hurt my feelings" he stopped kissing me and turned over and stared out the window for awhile. i dont know what he was thinking about, but when the movie was over he started to kiss me again, and this time it was amazing. i dont think i have kissed anyone like that EVER maybe with nic, but i dont know. it was amazing to kiss someone and just kiss, not have them feeling up my boob, or trying to stick their hands down my pants. just kiss and hold each other as close as we could. we werent humping like rabbits, even though i know he was turned on, we were just holding each other, running our hands down each others backs. i've never felt so wanted before. then i fell asleep laying on his chest. but around four he got up and said he was going up to his room, i dont know why he decided to leave, probably because if he stayed he would get a lot of shit from his friends. i didnt want him to go, but some how i know he'll be back, we'll have another chance for this.
12:14 PM

Tuesday, May 25, 2004  
i am using this as a way to not do homework. the homework that i have been putting off for the last week. if i dont do it now i cant go to class tomorrow. if i dont go to class tomorrow i might as well not go the entire week. i guess i could do that, not go to class for the entire week. i mean i will still go to history and writing, but not german, maybe spanish. why am i sooo stupid, why cant i just finish off these last two weeks of school with out any problems, get good grades like my parents want me to soo bad. i dont know why, there are so many things going through my head right now. my door is open and so is kates so she and all the fifty people in her room can see me right now. i want to close the door and put on some bright eyes, but then they'll know, they'll know that i cant handle all this much longer, they'll know that i dont want to talk to any of them. i cant be this close to this many people for this long. i want nothing more than for this quarter to be over and i just go to camp and spend my weekends with kelli and erik, and not think about all the homework i should be doing. but at the same time i dont want this quarter to end, i want at least six more weeks. i was just in mikeys room, and i can smell him on me, i can smell how he smells. i hate wanting something i cant have. and i know he wants me, the way he looks at me, he spends every free moment with me, we finished the whole season of nip/tuck today. now whats my excuse for being up there. he played guitar for me, god thats hot. i dont know what it is about him, i mean he is a little big, but for some reason i dont notice that at all. instead all i see is his eyes, his blue eyes, and the tufts of hair that stick out under his beanie, and i feel his hands rubbing my back, and his fingers running along mine, and his smell... i dont know, the way we've come together in the past few days, thats hard to ignore. he has to notice that this isnt just a hook up, this isnt just rebound. i know i have a tendency to exagerate things, i mean lee is a perfect example of that, but i am not blowing something up out of nothing, there is SOMETHING here, we have a relationship. this is just like tobin, except the thing keeping mikey from me is the memory of his ex, not a lack of time, cause he is a very unbusy person. i dont want to leave for the summer with this unresolved. every time i see him and "just be his friend" i have to congratulate myself because it is one of the most difficult things i have had to do in awhile. looking at him, both of us wanting to kiss each other, but we cant, we can only be friends, so he can clear his head, so he can get over her. what did she do to him? i want to ask more questions about her, but i dont want to prolong the amount of time its going to take for him to be ok. the real test is if we can be just friends. if we can, then we know its something more, its not just making out or hooking up, we have some kind of bond. but god i know no one has read this far because i dont think i can even reread this. i just want him to be here right now.
9:46 PM

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